Tif's Birthday Top 10: Terrific Two-fer!

Signs That I am Getting Older

1. I refer to my 19 and 20 year-old classmates as "kids."

2. I have been known to yell out the window to the drunk "kids" who like to hang out in the parking lot: "Shut the hell up! Some of us plan on fulfilling our responsibilities tomorrow. We need sleep for that!"

3. I no longer get carded when I order wine with a meal.

4. I no longer get any rebellious satisfaction from ordering wine with a meal.

5. I have developed a greater dislike for American consumerism with every passing Christmas.

6. The Smurfs movie desecrates everything my 4 year-old self held sacred.

7. So does the new, slimmer, tech-savvy Strawberry Shortcake. SOMEONE WILL PAY FOR THIS. PAY.

8. I flip through all the Top 40 radio stations going, "Crap. Crap. Crap. Oh God. Should be illegal. How is this music?!" and then queue up some CCR.

9. I remember when the Internet was still relatively new to the public, which meant that if you wanted to know something, you actually had to *go to a library*, look it up in the *card catalog*, and fetch an *real book.* It really burns my ass when my professors run around screaming about "electronic sources" and "digital competence." I did a lot more work hunting that book down than Ms. 2.0 GPA over there did when she typed it into Google. I shouldn't be penalized for that. In fact, I should be rewarded with bonus points, because when all the computers die, I WILL RULE THE WORLD.

10. I just re-read to above rant and said, "Oh, shit. I sound like my Dad."

10 Signs That I Haven't Aged a Day Since 1992

1. I still sleep with a teddy bear. Screw you. Stop judging.

2. When I pass the toy section at the store, I have to physically restrain myself from playing with all the cool stuff. ("My. Little. Pony. Waaaaaaaannnnnnnt!")

3. Fruity Pebbles: best cereal ever. I hardly ever buy them, because I am literally capable of snarfing down an entire box in one night.

4. Grape soda makes me the happiest person on the planet.

5. I cry during Disney movies. Watching Dumbo get his Mommy taken away from him? Saddest thing I've ever seen.

6. I *really* want to launch water balloons off my balcony and watch them hit people 5 stories below.

7. I show off my bruises, scabs, scrapes, scars, etc. with exorbitant pride. ("See this one? Little tussle with the edge of the coffee table. Needed four stitches.")

8. Hard as I try, I cannot entirely suppress my desire to launch my manual wheelchair off that gigantic hill by Glennon Infirmary with myself in it. I don't have a death wish; I just want to see if I can register G-force.

9. If it's purple, I want it. I don't care what it is.

10. Anytime I hear the "Little House on the Prairie" theme song, I streak for the nearest television and adhere myself to the screen. An entire battalion of Marines would not be capable of dragging me away.