Untitled Poem about Faith (Or Lack Thereof)

No matter how long ago it was,
               No matter how many      years

                              months

                              days

                              hours

                              minutes

                              seconds separate

Me from that last scream,
               No matter how many personal theologies I try and    reject

                              and retry

                              and re-reject

No matter how many churches I duck into and then out of    again

                              and again

                              and then again

Driven away by the smell of the air,
               Driven away by the press of the walls,
Driven away by the wide open spaces,
               Driven away by the hymns     (even as I love them)
Driven ever away from the many homes of a God who abandoned me

                              to darkness

                              mercilessness

                              and the shadow of death

No matter my resentments, my fear, my insecurities, my anger, my sorrow,
my pain, my pain, my bitter, bloody pain and self-pity and self-loathing         and again my fear

               No matter that                 no matter any of it

               I can never stop looking for,
               crying for,
               praying for        Everlasting Arms to lean on

Though I am certain their embrace        Will crush me.